I don't have much a sense of humor and really don't take much interst in reading the things that get shipped around in emails all over the place.  I'll read three or four lines and if it hasn't tickled the giggler, that's as far as I go - flush it;  not wasting my time to finish it.  But every once in a while, I do receive one that is either cute or downright funny.  I might stop on pages to read them on a gray day when I am lonely or just a little low - henceforth, I shall call this the Rainy Day section.
        Now, I have no idea where these originated.  I know they have an author out there somewhere and I will be happy to give credit or remove the piece should that author pass through here and take offense that I have posted it for other's to enjoy.

We've all had our problems with software, so I want to start this list out with one I will call Software - (giggle, giggle) this one arrived from sis. Touche' to whoever the author is - I like this one.  Next will be a very short piece which I will entitle Email - author is known and will remain unknown to the public lest the family ties begin to ravel (shudder at the thought, he thinks Vengence is his) author got tired of passing messages to wife.  The next, I received from WolfLady who received it from someone else and on down the line - it is already pretty aptly named Tech Support.

Regards,
Carol












Software

Tech Support Request
     Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.  No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.  In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors  all other system activity.  Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beerbash  2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.  I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.  I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.  Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell
Dear Jonathan Powell - This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.  Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to  run everything . WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed.  Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.  Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive.  Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources.  You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.  Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.  Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.  Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background,  while Wife 1.0 is running.  Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.  Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand.  Often their systems have become infected with a virus.  I recommend you keep  Wife 1.0  and just deal with  the situation.  Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).  You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.  The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.  System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.  Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.  Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0  - Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD  - Frequently use Communicator 5.0 -
Tech Support.

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Email

For all concerned Doris Garrison now has her own E-Mail address.
It is  " dorisg@xxxxx.xxx "
It should be setup by 2/21/99 AM.
She now has her own computer with a USR 56K modem, Color scanner, and all her own junk.
She can now install all her own software and junk stuff she wants including
ICQ or what ever that is.
I would give her some speakers but she would probably turn them on.
Everyone should wish her the best of luck.
She WILL need it. :-)
If you are sending junk mail be sure it is to Doris.
Now back to serious computer work.
Have Fun
Francis

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Tech Support

Calling For Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you,  please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by our product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call.  It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.

(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have
forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?  Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual?  Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?  Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?  If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

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Take me Home, Dome!